[Lady Justice 01] - Lady Justice Takes a C.R.A.P. Read online

  REVIEWS

  "I've been reading mystery books ever since I got hooked on Nancy Drew at the age of seven (I'm in my 60's now!), and this book marks the first time a mystery story has made me laugh out loud. I laughed until tears were running, and my sides ached! I laughed so hard that my husband came to see if I was OK."

  ___ Beverly Brecha

  "This has to be one of the funniest books I have read in a long time. It's just bawdy enough to catch one off guard every once in a while yet it would qualify as a cozy mystery. I was in tears laughing."

  ___ Susan Jo Grassi

  "What a great book to start the series! First of all, the title will definitely grab your attention. If you like mysteries, and you like comedy, you will love this book! (Think, Stephanie Plum meets Grumpy Old Men.)"

  ___ Cathy Doman

  "Absolutely LOVED your book .... couldn't put it down and laughed all the way through it! All of us can identify with or know someone just like your characters. Can't wait to read the next installment of Walt's adventures!"

  ___ Mary Carmean, Administrator, RE/MAX Heartland, Independence, Mo.

  "This book is laugh-out-loud funny, on par with today's most popular writers! It's great to see that old age and wisdom triumph over youth and exuberance again. Walt and his senior friends prove that there are still new adventures and opportunities for senior citizens. We can't wait for the next set of adventures."

  ___ Lee & Marilyn Dobbins, Santa Maria, CA

  "This is a very enjoyable book. It's an easy read, but unlike some easy reads, it's full of great humor, adventure, and wonderful characters. Even the title - Lady Justice Takes a C.R.A.P. is hilarious!"

  ___ Belinda Thomas

  "This is a great book for anyone who loves to read crime novels and mysteries, full of well likable and humorous characters. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is looking for something that has it all, humor, action and crime."

  ___ Michelle Castillo

  "What a hoot! This book is funny, entertaining, and enjoyable."

  ___ Darla Bulls

  "If you like a good laugh along with your action I highly recommend the Lady Justice books. I have never laughed so much."

  ___ Georgiann Hennelly

  "Tongue in cheek fun with a moral to the story woven in! What fun I had reading this first installment of this series. Lady Justice isn't blind, and I love that the theme makes it clear that we can't discard a generation of funny and brilliant people, nor blind ourselves to their value because they (we) are aging. I love the spunk of the characters and the witty phrasing throughout."

  ___ Nikki Truhan

  "An excellent book. It is hilarious with numerous "one-liners" that made me laugh aloud and brought tears to my eye in laughter."

  ___ Dan Sanders

  "What a fun read! I was laughing so loudly that my husband came to see what was so funny. Then he read the passage and laughed just as hard."

  ___ Alison Downs

  “Loved the humor! Great escape from reality! Walt reinforces our belief that we should never stop dreaming. Walt’s character reminded me of my son’s grandpa.”

  ___ Britt Batchelor, D.C. F.A.S.A.

  LADY JUSTICE TAKES A C.R.A.P.

  Volume #1 - Third Edition

  Why A Third Edition?

  At the ripe old age of sixty-six, I sat down at my computer, having never written anything in my life, and banged out Lady Justice Takes a C.R.A.P.

  I had no idea that three years later, there would be eleven Lady Justice novels, seven Rainbow Road chapter books for children, a cookbook, a mini-autobiography and Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing, a novel commissioned by a physician to use in his practice.

  Something happened over those three years --- I evolved as an author and many people fell in love with Walt, Maggie, Ox and the other zany characters that came alive in the series.

  After writing Lady Justice and the Cruise Ship Murders, Volume #11, I went back and reread Volume #1. It was like two different authors had written the novels.

  This third edition was written to make the story of Walt’s amazing journey from retired realtor to rookie cop more compatible with the style that has emerged in the later volumes.

  If you are a faithful fan, I hope you will enjoy this updated version.

  If you are new to the series, I hope you will be encouraged to read more of Walt’s hilarious adventures in the ten volumes that follow.

  Robert Thornhill

  January, 2013

  LADY JUSTICE

  TAKES A C.R.A.P.

  City Retiree Action Patrol

  SENIORS FIGHTING CRIME

  A WALT WILLIAMS

  MYSTERY/COMEDY NOVEL

  ROBERT THORNHILL

  Lady Justice Takes A C.R.A.P.

  City Retiree Action Patrol

  Copyright January, 2013 by Robert Thornhill

  3rd Edition - Revised

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any way, by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the author except as provided by USA copyright law.

  This novel is a work of fiction. Names, incidents and entities included in the story are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, events and entities is entirely coincidental.

  Published in the United States of America

  Cover design by Peg Thornhill

  Fiction, Humorous

  2. Fiction, Mystery & Detective, General

  LADY JUSTICE TAKES A C.R.A.P.

  SENIORS FIGHTING CRIME

  PROLOGUE

  As Jack Ballard sat across the desk from the owner of Upjohn Realty, he knew what was coming. He clenched his teeth and tried to project a calm demeanor, but inside, he was seething.

  For ten years he had been the managing broker of the real estate office, but that was all about to come to an end, and all because of that stupid little twit, Julie Bowen.

  As a favor to an old friend, he had hired the girl right out of real estate school. She was green as a gourd and her previous selling experience was limited to the cosmetics counter at Macy's, but she had been a willing student.

  He had persuaded one of the experienced agents in the office to mentor the girl and she was a quick learner. Within a few months, she had made several substantial sales and had listed some prime property.

  As a new agent, she had been given a cubicle in the 'bullpen' area along with other newer agents and the marginal producers, but as her career blossomed, so did her ego.

  Ballard could vividly remember the day that Julie had come to his office and demanded a private office of her own.

  He had been managing an office full of strong-willed women for a long time and had learned to be fair, but firm.

  Private offices were a precious commodity and highly prized by the agents, and Ballard had known that there were equally deserving agents with more seniority patiently waiting for an office to become available.

  To acquiesce to her demand would undoubtedly incite a mutiny within the office.

  He had explained as kindly as possible why the private office wouldn't be coming anytime soon.

  He had expected the tears and tantrums he had seen so many times from the high-strung women in his company, but after he had finished speaking, Bowen had simply said, "You have forty-eight hours to find that office or I'll be forced to do something that you'll deeply regret."

  Ballard assumed that she was threatening to transfer her license to a competitor. It wouldn't have been the first time an agent had trie
d to intimidate him and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

  A week after he had denied her demand, he received a letter from the Grievance Committee of the Board of Realtors. Julie Bowen had filed a complaint against him, accusing him of sexual harassment.

  The task of the Grievance Committee is to determine whether a complaint has any merit. If they don’t find merit, everything ends there, but if they think an offense could have occurred, the case is remanded to the Professional Standards Committee for a full investigation.

  He and Julie Bowen had testified at the Grievance Committee hearing, but it was his word against hers, and since neither party could produce supporting or contradictory evidence, the case was sent to the Professional Standards Committee for a full investigation.

  With the case under investigation, the owner of Upjohn Realty had no choice but to relieve Ballard of his managing broker position until the issue was resolved.

  Ballard had been reflecting on the improbable events that had led to this moment when the voice of his boss brought him back to the present.

  “Jack, you know that I’m really sorry to have to do this --- but --- well --- you know how things are today. I don’t believe for a minute that you did those things, but if I don’t ask you to step down and somehow you’re found guilty --- well --- it could be really bad for the company. I hope you understand.”

  He understood all right. That little bitch had gotten her revenge by falsely accusing him and now the owner was covering his ass, but he hid his anger and nodded. “Sure, I understand. It’s best for the company.”

  “I knew I could count on you, Jack. Until this mess is over, you can go back to listing and selling, and if everything turns out okay, we’ll see about putting you back in charge. In the meantime, I’ve asked Brenda Martin to take over your management responsibilities. I think she’ll do a good job.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure she’ll do just fine. Are we done here?”

  “Yes, that’s all for now. If there’s anything ----.”

  “No, not a thing. I’d better get to work.”

  He couldn’t wait to get out of the owner’s office. It had taken every ounce of his strength to maintain his composure and not lash out at the injustice that had been thrust upon him, and he was about to explode.

  Brenda Martin was waiting for him in his office.

  “Jack, I’m so sorry about all of this. I want us to get off on the right foot, so I figured that we should talk right away. Now that you’re a selling agent again, I have to treat you like the other agents, so I’m afraid you’ll have to pull floor duty just like everyone else. I’ve made the duty schedule for the next month. Here’s your copy.”

  Ballard bit his lip and took the duty schedule.

  Brenda Martin had coveted the managing broker position for years and now that it was hers, she couldn’t wait to rub his nose in it.

  His first impulse was to crumple her little schedule and throw it in her face, but he forced a gracious smile.

  “Thanks, Brenda. I’m looking forward to it.”

  He had been able to tolerate the whiney bitches in the office because he was in charge, but everything had changed. He had been demoted to their level and even worse, one of them was now his immediate supervisor.

  He had to get out of the office and calm down before he did something that he would regret. He grabbed his briefcase and closed his office door. As he made his way to the exit, he could feel the cold stares of the women that he had managed just days before.

  At the front desk, he slid his button to the ‘out’ position and turned just as Julie Bowen walked in the door.

  As she passed, she whispered, “Don’t you wish that you’d just given me that office?”

  By the time he reached the car, he was boiling inside. He threw his briefcase in the backseat, revved up the engine and peeled out of the parking lot, barely missing another motorist. He glanced in the rear view mirror and saw the woman behind the wheel vigorously giving him the finger.

  Women!

  In his management position, he had been able to keep his feelings toward them in check, but now what he was feeling was total emasculation, and the first thing that popped into his mind was his mother.

  He remembered how she constantly harped at his father until the poor man could endure it no longer. One day, he left for work and never returned.

  With his old man out of the way, Jack became the focus of her attention. Nothing he did was quite good enough and as hard as he tried, he just couldn’t please her.

  On his eighteenth birthday, he followed in his father’s footsteps and struck out on his own, but the damage had been done. He knew, deep inside, that nothing he would ever do would be good enough.

  When he had been promoted to manager, he had been able to put those feelings aside, but with this latest turn of events, his frustration and fear of failure were as strong as ever.

  With his manager’s salary now going to Brenda Martin, Ballard was back to commission sales and it scared the daylights out of him --- no sales --- no paycheck.

  He knew this day was coming and he had reviewed his list of contacts. He had heard that one of his old buyers might be ready to list and relocate, so he figured that might be a good place to start.

  As he turned onto the street where the home that he had sold was located, he saw a ‘For Sale’ sign in the distance.

  His heart sunk when he saw the Whispering Pines Realty open house sign in the yard of the home that was supposed to be his.

  Nancy Duncan!

  The woman had been a thorn in Ballard’s side for years. In his early selling days, she had beaten him to the punch more than once, and on more than one occasion as manager, he had found himself comforting a weepy agent that had lost out in a head-to-head battle with the woman.

  To say that she was aggressive was an understatement. She was a tiger and a very successful one at that.

  Jack walked to the door in a daze.

  What more can possibly go wrong today? he wondered.

  There was an ‘Open - Come on in’ sign on the door. Jack entered and saw Nancy at the kitchen table with her laptop computer.

  When she saw him, she gave him that little smirk that he had seen so often.

  “Hi Jack. Just like old times. You’ve always been one step behind.”

  Jack felt the rage building inside and turned to leave. He was just reaching for the doorknob when Nancy called after him, “Heard about your troubles. You guys just can’t keep it in your pants, can you?”

  Jack hesitated for just a moment, then his hand reached for the deadbolt. He heard the ‘snap’ as the cylinder thrust the bolt into the doorjamb.

  He turned back to the kitchen and saw his mother leering at him in her judgmental way and he could bear it no more.

  CHAPTER 1

  My name is Walt Williams and I’m a sixty-five year old rookie cop.

  I know how that sounds and if somebody told me that, I’d be skeptical too, but it’s true!

  Wearing the badge and the uniform had never been a dream of mine. In fact, a career in law enforcement had never even entered my mind, but sometimes life takes you down a path that you would never have suspected.

  That’s what happened to me.

  After thirty years as a real estate agent and twenty years as a landlord, I was eagerly anticipating the day that I could put all of that behind me and enter into the bliss that was to be my golden years.

  I was totally fed up with the demanding schedule of real estate sales and every time that the phone rang I just knew that it was going to be a tenant sharing the news that their toilet was stopped up.

  It always seemed to happen on holidays. For most people, Christmas evokes images of decorated trees, mistletoe and holly. For me, it was the image of a toilet spewing its contents on a newly laid tile floor. You have no idea how difficult it is to find a Roto-Rooter guy on Christmas Day!

  Everything finally fell into place when I found an eager young couple willing to bu
y my entire rental portfolio --- well, most of it. I still own the three-story six-plex that I live in and a flophouse that they wouldn’t take.

  With the income from the sale of the rental property and Social Security from Uncle Sam, I was ready to hang up the old briefcase and retire.

  I soon discovered that retirement isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

  I couldn’t wait to jump out of bed on that first morning and not have to rush off to work or worry that I would get a call telling me that a limb had fallen on the roof of a rental.

  I leisurely poured my bowl of cereal, brewed my coffee and read the morning paper.

  When all of that was done, I showered, shaved and dressed.

  I looked at the clock and it was only eight-thirty.

  Unfortunately, I had neglected a very important part of retirement --- what I was going to do with all of the extra time.

  After two weeks of retirement I was bored to death.

  I found myself making daily trips to the grocery store. I live alone so I could have purchased everything that I needed for a week and brought it home in one bag, but it gave me something to do.

  Then came the day that changed my life forever.

  I had picked up a magazine from a newsstand and read an article that said something about beets containing some substance that’s good for your health.

  I don’t like beets, but I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to have a can of them in the cabinet in case I needed something to make me healthy. It was as good an excuse as any to get out of the apartment.